Fate Zero Hair
by Writey the Writer
Summary: Kirie Kotomine was supposed to summon Assassin, Hassan of a Hundred Faces to be precise. He failed spectacularly. With years of planning down the drain, the Masters and Servants of the Fourth Holy Grail War must scramble to deal with the unique replacement to Assassin, the Bald Hero for Fun and Profit, Saitama. Gilgamesh is NOT amused. Tokiomi needs to sit down. Kirei...is Kirei.


**Fate/Zero Hair**

**Chapter 1: Cabbages and Cabbage Craft**

_One Punch Man belongs to ONE and the entire Fate Universe belongs to Type-Moon and the Nasuverse I suppose? I own nothing for SURE though!_

**Author's Note:** _Well after all this time, with my mind, finally cleared, and having read The Caped Baldy of the Nasuverse only for it to just stop updating...well, here it is folks the fiction that I have wanted to do since I first entered this site._

_P.S: I still can decide if Grammarly is the best thing since sliced bread or if it was handcrafted by the devil to torment me (Guess the reference for a shoutout!)_

* * *

Kirei Kotomine found himself having a migraine, a rather serious one. His Master's plan had been simple, for him to summon Assassin, have his 'death' at the hands of Archer to reinforce the threat of the Great King Of Babylon while being able to slink around in the shadows with ease, assassinating and getting reconnaissance with little to no effort. It was _supposed_ to be a FOOL proof plan, except for one thing.

A mistake, a single mistake that just wouldn't go away.

The priest sighed picking up his guilty pleasure, a glass of 1885 Merlot, as he began to reflect on the events that lead up to this nightmare from the depths of hell.

His walking nightmare, Saitama, the A-ranked Hero.

* * *

A circle written in blood, soaked slightly in the ground as the soon to be Master of Assassin allowed himself a small sense of that emotion he grasped at, satisfaction. The catalyst for the summoning of the Hassan of a Hundred Faces had been meticulously searched for, found, and validated by top archeologists (who promptly had their memories wiped).

The ex-Executor lifted his hand and began the chant,

_" Let Silver and Steel be the Essence."_

_"Let Stone and Archduke of Contracts be the Foundation."_

_"Let my great Master Ophiuchus be the Ancestor."_

_"Let rise a Wall against the Wind that shall fall."_

_"Let the Four Cardinal Gates close."_

_"Let the three-forked road from the Crown reaching unto the Kingdom rotate."_

_"I hereby declare;"_

_"My Will shall become your body, and my Fate shall be with your Sword."_

_"Heed the beckoning of the Holy Grail."_

_"If you will submit to this Will and this Reason...Then answer!"_

_"An oath shall be sworn here!"_

_"I shall attain all the Virtues of Heaven"_

_"I shall destroy all the Evils of Hell!"_

_"From the Seventh Heaven, attend to by three great Words of Power."_

_"Come forth from the Ring of Restraint, Guardian of the Scales!"_

A flash of light resounded, the raw force of the summoning peeled away the stone floors, the roofs were littered with cracks with the width of metal beams, Kirei was mildly surprised that the underground chamber didn't collapse on him.

The smoke from the summoning slowly drifted away, revealing...not what Kirei wanted, at all. An average-sized man stood lamely where the surge of power had originated, lamely gazing around the room. His facial features were painfully simple, first grade stick figure simple, a bald head, plain eyes, nose, and a mouth. The most radical thing about him was his clothing, the long white cape clashing with the yellow suit was positively abhorrent and went combined with the red gloves and red boots.

"This...isn't the City B Super Duper 50% Off On Everything Sale is it Genos?" The man asked, his voice as unassuming as his appearance, "Eh, Genos? Did I finally lose his interest?"

Kirei coughed, to catch the attention of what he dreaded might just be his Servant.

Taking the hint, Saitama turned his head to notice his new Master.

"Hey priest guy, where am I?" After thinking for a moment, the American superhero rejects added, "And which way is to that Super Sale in City B?"

"I am Kirei Kotomine, I am your Master for the Holy Grail War" The priest also paused for a second, "And I do not know of any Super Sale or even any city named City B"

"Really?"

"Yes"

"Dude, do you live under a rock or something?" Saitama chuckled slightly, "Doesn't even know what City B is, makes me feel better for not knowing about the Hero Association for three years."

After realizing that his control over the situation and his Servant was slowly deteriorating Kirei decided to act. Even if this was a Lesser Servant that Hassan, any advantage at all would be critical in the cutthroat Holy Grail War.

"Surely, in life, you must've been a great Hero to be summoned for this honorable battle for the Grail" Kirei lied through his teeth. The man's eyes seemed to brighten up.

"You are looking at Saitama! Newly minted A-Class Hero for fun...and profit" He lamely added at the end, almost under his breath.

"I...have never heard of you"

The pride was instantly shattered, much like his childhood friends' spine had when Kirei was younger.

"I...see" Shaking his head Saitama turned to gaze at Kirei, "So what exactly is going on here?"

And that was where Kirei's living hell had begun.

* * *

Three hours, it had taken three hours of non-stop explanation of Magecraft and the Holy Grail before_ anything_ had sunk in at all.

"So let me get this straight" Saitama, as the bald menace had identified himself as said sitting on a wooden chair surrounded by many boards filled with complicated diagrams discussing Origins and Mystery, also some discussing basic etiquette, "I am a Moronic Servant-"

"Heroic Servant," though Kirei couldn't help but feel that his Servant's choice of words was indeed true. In all honesty, Kirei couldn't figure out why he was allowing this farce to go on, his Servant's stats appeared on the lower end of Average, though something felt off about that, and for some reason or another, his loud moron of a Servant was summoned as an_ Assassin_ Servant of all things, "Despite your odd physical body and claims, the Grail stills treats you as a Servant."

"-and I am supposed to fight a bunch of other Heroes for the chance to win some cup that grants a wish right?" Kirei nodded.

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, and I knew a guy who conquered planets for an adrenaline rush"

"Is not the seeking of a wish, a dream, a noble aspiration?" Not that Kirei disagreed with the thoughts his Servant had, a frightening prospect in and of itself.

"A goal is only rewarding if one works towards it, sweats and bleeds for it, using a wish to achieve your goal is just a copout," Saitama said resolutely, before a thought occurred to him, "Any wish?"

"Yes, any wish."

Saitama's eyes widened in understanding.

"So are you saying...that I could wish to finally be able to defeat King at those stupid video games!" Kirei felt like he should have been expecting this, but he found himself mildly surprised again.

"Is that not hypocritical?" The priest asked, "You just said that a goal is rewarding if one works towards it, yet you wish to use an omnipotent wish-granting machine for such menial reasons?"

The bald Assassin completely ignored his new Master.

"Regardless, as I have stated many times before we shall merely play an assistive role in Tokiomi Tohsaka's campaign to acquire the Grail so the wish is not our prize."

Saitama stared at Kirei quietly,

"Then why am I fighting in this adult food fight you guys have going?"

"You have been summoned by me, to fight in this War, it is your purpose" The Kotomine stared at his servant with a hint of apathy, and deeper down, a hint of envy. After all, this bald buffoon at the very least had something that Kirei himself searched endlessly for.

A purpose, clear and cut, no other purpose than to serve his Master and his ambitions before either returning to the Throne or, if what he said was true, return to his normal life.

"That's stupid, "

"We provide you food and boarding for free in return"

"When do we start?"

* * *

"Kirei..." Tokiomi groaned, rubbing his temples with his hands

"Yes?"

"That is not Hassan is it?"

Kirei thought on it for a brief moment.

"No"

Tokiomi sat up and began to pace around in obvious consternation

"Then _what_ is he?" The head of the Tohsaka's violently pointed into the courtyard where Saitama was interacting with one currently rather annoyed Rin Tohsaka, "And why, no, _how_ did you summon him?"

"Based on the preliminary inquiries I have concluded that he originates from another world, one that is not connected to Gaia in any way, and I have no idea how I summoned him, Master."

"Truly?" Tokiomi muttered as he stopped in front of the window, "There have been many theories of worlds that are disconnected from Gaia and the Root, but to see someone...why has Gaia not rejected him more severely? How did Hassan's Catalyst summon someone like him?"

The crystal mage shook his head before turning to Kirei

"As a side project before the Grail War begins I would like you to find out as much about this Saitama's world as you possibly can, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity to study an interdimensional traveler along with learning how to best make use of him in this war"

"As you say, Master"

With a final wave goodbye, Kirei returned to observe his rather interesting Servant.

* * *

"No, it's NOT!" The little brat growled kicked his leg, only to hurt herself.

"Yeah, it is"

"No, it's not!" The little girl smirked, "You...CAPED BALDY!"

_'Damn it all, how did she find out!'_

"Why you little-"

"Assassin, what is going on here?" Saitama turned to see his 'Master' (he still wasn't COMPLETELY sure what was going on, but he decided to roll with it)

"Me and the little brat were having a friendly conversation!"

"The little brat and _I_," Kirei corrected, "Though from a distance it seemed more like a shouting match than a friendly conversation."

"The dumb priest is right!" Rin turned to point accusingly at the Caped Baldy while the 'dumb priest' frowned, "You called my jewel magic stupid!"

"Because it is!" Saitama shot back.

"Assassin, the Tohsaka family is quite well known for this brand of magic, surely they would know if their magic was stupid?"

"Come on Killua, what kind of idiot thought that throwing around rocks that are worth more than my apartment complex would be a good basis for magic"

Surprisingly, Kirei begrudgingly admitted that his Servant had a point, but insulting his ally's form of magic in the middle of his home was not the brightest of ideas.

"My name is Kirei, not Killua"

Saitama shrugged

"Same difference"

"Stupid baldy" Rin muttered as said hero's veins began to protrude.

_'Mama mia, here we go again'_ Kirei thought humorlessly to himself as the shouting match began anew.

* * *

Angra Mainyu, All the World Evil, was bored. He had been trapped in the Grail for the last sixty years without any entertainment except looking back on his memories.

That got tiring _real_ fast.

When he had first arrived he had been simply the innocent soul burdened with all the Sins of humankind, but the wish-granting power of the Grail fulfilled the wish that the villagers had so horrendously placed on him, and the daemon Angra Mainyu was born.

He had then proceeded to corrupt the Grail, warping it into a manifestation of himself and now he waited quite contently for the Grail War to begin and for him to reincarnate as the one TRUE Angra Mainyu, and then to rain his hatred upon humanity and the World itself!

Yet he now faced a problem, a very specific, very annoying bald problem.

When he had stamped out the last 'pure' portions of the original Grail as the Fourth Heaven's Feel began, he had noticed with slight amusement that the Grail was reaching to summon a hero to save the World.

Amusing indeed, to someone like Angra Mainyu.

Heroes were all lies, misdirection, the very crystallization of everything he hated and loved about the world. He was allowed it to happen, thinking nothing of it.

This turned out to be a tremendous mistake on his part.

The Servant, _could it even be called a mere Servant?_, had been summoned into the Assassin Class which is exactly when Avenger realized that something was horribly wrong.

While the Servant's parameters only appeared to be average B's and C's, Avenger had almost had a heart attack, _metaphorically, __he didn't HAVE a heart_, when he realized the THING'S true stats. How was it even an Assassin? Even being a Foreigner would have made more sense!

This would NOT do, his readings of the bald imbecile confirmed that the fool would most likely wish for a 90% off on everything, reusable coupon and Angra Mainyu honestly didn't know how he could use that wish to reincarnate himself.

(Unless he turned himself INTO the Coupon, but he wasn't THAT desperate, thank you very much!)

At this rate, the Fourth Grail War would be a sham, not at all interesting or riveting! That is until an idea popped into the manifestation of All the World's Evil, a wonderfully, horrendous idea.

He would even the playing fields! Yes indeed! And using his own powers as the 'new Grail' he reached to the same place his predecessor had and began to pull those that could be classified as Heroic Servant.

This would certainly spice things up! As a gift, he would even shoulder the mana they used himself, they would most certainly need it against _that_ Assassin.

If he had a mouth or even vocal cords, Angra Mainyu would be cackling with psychotic glee.

* * *

Kariya finished the chant as a flash of power surged through the Matou family home, the resulting ash and debris even causing that fiend Zouken to move back.

And the Master could only stare in horror at the strange sight the greeted his vision.

Two figures.

Not just one.

One was a black knight, shadowy and emanating pure madness and the mindless rage that characterized the Berserker Class. Kariya had a feeling that this was indeed Lancelot of the Lake, he had succeeded!

The other figure, on the other hand, was a mystery. Slightly taller than Berserker, this _creature_ stood adorned in golden armor with a red orb at the center and white pants, his blue skin, and pink hair were only surpassed by his one large, malicious eye that gazed down upon Kariya.

He suddenly felt rather small in front of this imposing figure.

"Are you audacious enough to call yourself my Master?" The strange thing asked, Lancelot merely grunted his agreement with the question. Kariya remained petrified as he peered at his Servant's stats. Lancelot's were excellent but this other one...this_ unknown_ was just ridiculous!

But he wouldn't cower, not when Sakura was on the line!

"I am Kariya Matou, your Master for this Grail War!" Kariya responded, coughing slightly.

The cyclops grinned, his eye alight with some sick equivalent of amusement.

"Very well, I am Boros, Dominator of the Universe!" The giant of a Servant laughed, "I am of the Foreigner Class, together we shall find our foes and crush them into dust!"

Zouken laughed, causing Boros to turn to him.

"What amuses you so, worm?" Kariya could only splutter at the blunt rudeness of the statement.

"Nothing, Dominator of the Universe, I am merely surprised that Kariya was not as much of a failure as I originally imagined!" The vampire chuckled, his guffaws slowly quieting.

"I expect great things from you, Kariya, don't disappoint me or...well, I am sure you know what I mean"

Kariya's fist clenched as his father, the filthy bastard, walked away smugly. Boros watched impassively as Zouken left, Berserker was simply walking around like a dog, curious about his new surroundings.

"What a disgusting man, do you wish for me to eliminate him?"

"He is my father" Kariya sighed despondently.

"So?" The Strongest Alien asked, a confident smirk on his face.

Kariya couldn't help but chuckle at the bluntness of his Servant, it seemed Boros and he would get along quite nicely after all.

* * *

Waver Velvet didn't exactly understand what was going on, and he was too tired to care at that point.

He had followed the instructions to the T!

He had traced the circle and repeated the chant with the catalyst. And boom his SINGULAR awesome Heroic Spirit should have appeared!

Instead…

The young magus found himself staring at two figures. One was a large red-headed man with a figure that put most bodybuilders to shame, he had the presence of a true Hero, and was exactly what Waver needed.

The other was both unexpected and quite frankly a little disappointing. The man was small, as in only slightly taller than Velvet. He had a biking helmet and wore body armor that was laughable at best, more in place at a Cosplay event than actual combat, added to the fact he was holding a simple bike (not even that good of a bike either) did not help matters much.

"I am the Servant of the Rider! You may call me Mumen Rider!" The biker burst out, breaking the silence that had remained since their summoning, "Are you, my Master?"

"Yes, I am Waver Velvet, your Master!" At least he was respectful, right?

The red-head roared with laughter.

"I like your spirit young one! With some training, I see the markings of a great Warrior!"

"R-Really?"

Deciding to take a moment to look at his new Servant(s?) stats, the young magus didn't know what to do anymore. Rider's stats were as incredible as he had expected while Mumen Rider's...were atrocious.

He was like some kind of anti-Saber, he was almost E-ranked across the board with a D in stamina and a C in Riding, based on the cyclist's stats Waver was confident that even _he_ could beat Mumen Rider, and considering the strength of the Heroic Spirits they would be facing, this was simply depressing.

Waver Velvet promptly placed his head on the ground and started crying at the curse that was his life as Rider and Rider chatted with one another amicably.

* * *

When the light from the summoning cleared, Kiritsugu was expecting many things, a servant clad in armor with the looks of British royalty, a wielder of a blade that symbolized the Will of Humanity.

Naturally, these both occurred, but soon enough the infamous Mage Killer and his wife found themselves blindsided for many reasons.

"I am the Saber Servant, Arturia Pendragon, and I ask of thee, arth thou my Master?" The woman in armor asked, standing up from her kneeling position.

The second figure smirked, a malicious sight indeed.

Saber frowned just noticing the Servant next to her.

"Identify yourself, are you a Servant?"

"I am a Servant to no one, we are entering a partnership, a contract if you will!" The figure's purple scarf fell to his lower back as the wind from his summoning died down, "I am a Heroic Spirit of the Assassin Class, my name is Speed O' Sound Sonic, and with my assistance…"

The figure _blurred_, appearing behind Kiritsugu, his katana already gently planted a hair's breadth away from his Master's neck.

"This war is as good as ours. Now, what are your plans for this war Magus? If they do not interest me then I shall do things my way."

Saber stared down Assassin with contempt, and no small amount of shock at the speed displayed.

"Do you have no honor Assassin?" The blonde growled, "To point your blade at...our...Master" The ninja smirked,

"I'm an Assassin, not some goody-two-shoes Hero!" The Assassin laughed, "It would be best for you not to forget that, King of Knights."

Kiritsugu merely moved from the blade and began to walk away, past a shell-shocked Irisviel.

"I'm going to go get a drink, this is too much for me."

Saber and Assassin watched as their Master walked out of the room.

"You swing that blade around, but are you a true Master of the blade or merely some savage swinging around a big metal club" Sonic snarked, his battle-hungry grin slowly expanding at a proportional rate to the anger on the newly summoned Saber's face.

"Shall I show you instead, scoundrel?" Irisviel managed to move to the side as the two Servant headed for the courtyard to work out their differences.

"What is going on" Irisviel muttered before following after them.

* * *

"You are not to speak, say, or do anything that may be considered even slightly offensive" Tokiomi explained to the bald headache of an assassin that Kirei had summoned, "You are to look professional or at the very least, not like a living insult to my Servant's ego"

The head of the Tohsaka's paused.

"In fact, imitate a statue, you are to do _nothing_ that could alienate Gilgamesh from our side, your own life is on the line"

"Ok" Saitama replied, accompanied by a small thumbs up. Tokiomi would have groaned had it not been a sign of weakness, "Just...be quiet!"

Saitama and Kirei watched as Tokiomi created the circle and took out a strange fossilized snakeskin from a container and placed it into the middle of the circle and said the necessary chant. With a flash of light and a sudden presence in the air, Tokiomi knew he had succeeded.

From the smoke, there stood a Servant clad in golden armor and red eyes, an aura of arrogance simply oozed from him at every pore.

"Are you to be my vassal, answer me now...mongrel"

"Yes my liege," Tokiomi replied, bowing an act that was mirrored by Kirei. It was at this moment that Gilgamesh and others noted the second figure that had appeared from the circle, standing two or three feet from the King of Kings, "I am Tokiomi-"

Gilgamesh shot him an unamused look.

"Did I ask you for your name?" Tokiomi shook his head, "Then don't speak."

A tall man, about half a head taller than the Golden King himself, adorned with a modern shirt, pants, and shoes. His defining characteristics were his muscular build, his long hair, and the three scratch marks that accentuated his terrifying face.

"Yo King"

"Saitama…"

King watched, attempting to convey his true feelings through his eyes

'Oh dear God, tell me what is going on and help me get out of this Saitama'

Saitama was merely made uncomfortable by the intense staring and turned away slightly.

"Interesting, you carry yourself well...for an inferior being," Gilgamesh mused curiously, he turned his head towards Saitama, "Why do you not bow to your king, you filthy mongrel?"

Saitama remained silent

"Answer _jester_"

"I didn't vote for you, so I don't need to bow to you"

The room fell silent, as King began to have a small nuclear meltdown. Internally of course.

Gilgamesh began to vibrate with barely constrained rage while Tokiomi began to regret allowing Assassin to witness the 'King of Heroes' summoning.

Kirei began to wonder when exactly his Servant would cause Gilgamesh to snap into a homicidal rage.

He gave him two days tops, after all, he had known his Servant for a few months and he had been a priest with endless patience. He had snapped in a week.

King stood silently, discreetly sweating streams as his EX Luck kept him from being discovered as the only Servant with all but one stat at a stunning E Rank.

_'SAVE ME, SOMEONE, PLEASE!'_

Alas, his prayers went unanswered.

* * *

**Author's Note: **_Not a real update, but just me explaining some of the intricacies that were vaguely hinted but not explained upon in this first chapter_

_First off, there are several of the 'extra' classes appearing such as Foreigner and perhaps even a certain Servant who is usually only summoned when things go wrong (that's called foreshadowing folks!). Yes, every other Master (except for poor old' Kirei). _

_Saitama's Presence Concealment is a solid A, considering his unnatural speed and tendency to just APPEAR randomly, but the main reason for his Assassin Class is the fact that his appearance belies his true capabilities which in turn extends to his stats. It is intact quite similar to Karna's Uncrowned Martial Arts to an extreme extent. Only when one has seen him fight against the one that the Hero/Master in question acknowledges as powerful will his true stats become known._

_The 'Uncrowned Strongest Hero' would be a fitting name._

_King is...the exact opposite, all his stats are shown as A - EX (except for luck which appears as a B, though it is intact rank EX), and the only one immune to said effect are those that knew the truth about him in life (which are far and few between)._

_And Soda-fiedPsycho, who says that Garou doesn't have a role to play in this whole endeavor? Lancer and Caster have yet to be seen along with their extra Servants and Angra Mainyu isn't just going to sit back...not when he is in danger of being turned into a coupon._

_Constructive Criticism or compliments are always welcome! Flames are for morons! Till next time!_


End file.
